The Virtue of Insecurity
“When I wake up in the morning, I feel like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then I say, ‘Bitch, you get up and walk the walk today.’” ―Lady Gaga
One time I failed at something I’d worked at for a long time. I felt terrible and spent a week moping around, complaining about it. My friends tried to cheer me up, saying, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it. You didn’t need that.”
But that’s not what it felt like to me. I viewed that kind of thinking as rationalization—the thing you do when your application to your preferred university is rejected, and you tell yourself “I didn’t really want to go there anyway.”
Of course you did! That’s why you paid whatever application fee was requested, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. That’s why you hassled teachers from long ago and anyone else you could think of to write nice letters on your behalf, and that’s why you slaved away for hours on the essay that hopefully someone on the application committee at least glanced at before putting in the “no” pile.
The answer isn’t to accept your failures; the answer is to get back up and find a way to succeed.
Sure, you can challenge or change the rules to suit your own purposes. You can define success however you see fit. But you shouldn’t accept less than your best. If your best doesn’t allow for failure, it’s not over.
***
Do you worry about what people think of you?
Do you worry you’re not doing your best?
I do. I think about it all the time.
Of course, you don’t have to live your life the way others expect—that’s been the core message of AONC from day one. It’s the universal truth that everything else is built on.
But once you stop worrying about what others expect, is the answer to no longer seek approval of any kind?
I’m not sure it’s that simple, at least not for all of us.
There’s a whole industry designed around helping people feel safe and comfortable, even when they’re stuck in bad patterns and aren’t achieving their potential. Love yourself! Accept who you are!
If your life sucks, that’s not what you need to hear. You shouldn’t set a goal of accepting mediocrity.
Where are the people saying, “No, it’s not okay to be like that! Step it up!”
That’s what I want someone to say to me: Don’t settle, Chris. You can do better.
Maybe instead of not caring, coming to terms with your insecurity can become a driving force. Maybe it can get you out of bed when you feel like sleeping in.
Maybe it can help you put in the extra 2% of effort that transforms acceptable work into excellent work.
No one has to lose for you to win—but you might have to struggle a little. It’ll be worth it.
I believe I’ll win in the end, and I believe you will too.
Three cheers for insecurity! Now get back to work, whatever it is.
###
Image: Markus
62 Comments
Insecurity is a good thing. It lets you know that you are pushing yourself to the edge of your current boundaries.
Getting beyond your current boundaries on a consistent basis is what personal growth is all about.
Agree with the article, though the difference between acceptable and excellent, in my experience, is more than 2% effort.
I am impressed with the line “Don’t settle Chris, you can do better.” It is a line we rarely get told and yet it is such an uplifting statement. For someone to tell us that means they see something in us that maybe we don’t see in ourselves. It’s true: We can do better.
LOVE this post and this topic. I talk about something similar with gratitude frequently. Yes, be grateful for the good in every situation, but give yourself permission to be ungrateful as well. Don’t stay stuck simply because things “could be worse.” Things could also be completely different and unbelievably incredible! Go for what you want because you deserve it, even if your life is “pretty awesome” compared to someone else’s.
Same thing with the idea of loving and accepting yourself. YES, love and accept yourself where you’re at now, that’s an essential step to getting where you want to go, but don’t settle for being less than who you’re capable of being. Ever. I think it’s about being kind and compassionate to yourself… because you don’t need YOU berating yourself for not being somewhere else. But doing it in a “loving shove in the right direction” kind of way.
“You’re awesome and you’re loved, but how about we start kicking some serious ass now? You can do better!”
And yes, I think about what others think of me and if I’m doing my best often… I think anyone working to create anything (AND put it out into the world) does. xo
Great post Chris! I agree that there are many more who people will to tell you to accept yourself than to improve yourself. And, sometimes you do need to accept something about yourself in order to do your best work.
It is hard to find someone that is comfortable with and/or qualified to keep pushing you. I think it takes active cultivation of your close friends – let them know you want their advice and want to keep pushing. Or you can always hire a coach for just about anything.
Being insecure in my relationship led to my biggest life change ever. If it weren’t for insecurity, I wouldn’t question what I did. I’d think I were perfect. It’s the base upon which I’ve built all of my success!! Love this post!
I was just writing about insecurity and uncertainty. This came at the perfect moment. Thanks Chris. And the ending made me laugh out loud because I should go back to work and probably should have been working instead of reading 😉
Interesting post Chris. Not only is there a whole industry around making people feel safe and comfortable, one could argue that society itself is built around this philosophy. There is a skill in feeling “comfortable” living with insecurity, which is easier preached than practised.
Well, Chris, I have to disagree a bit. I do think that we can use those failures as springboards to motivate us to do better. But constantly worrying about what others think, or about doing better, doesn’t lead to any inner peace.
When we learn to accept ourselves, it isn’t about complacency. It’s actually about discovering that there isn’t anything wrong with us – we’re already a divine, powerful, beautiful being within, right from the get-go.
When we truly get that, it’s not about rationalizing our failures, or puffing ourselves up to be more important than we are, or accepting mediocrity. It’s about allowing that true Self within (not the self we imagine that just isn’t good enough) to express through us in our lives more fully.
Then, we are creating and contributing not because we’re worried about failing or what others think or not being good enough. We’re doing it all for the joy of it, for feeling in our highest integrity, for feeling how wonderful it is to be our True Self and have something to offer the world, whether big or small.
That is something that arises from peace, contentment, and acceptance within, not from insecurity, judgment, comparison, or fear.
Great post Chris,
This is a subject dear to my heart. I believe all failure is only temporary, I usually reframe it as feedback. The important thing is to take the learnings from whatever happened and feed them back into how you make your next approach. Asking the right questions (the ones that start with ‘how can I…..’) will focus you mind on the outcome you want to achieve, which is absolutely essential to stay on track.
I’ve just added a very detailed post on how to set goals you actually achieve, there’s lots of useful stuff in there for anyone interested.
Keep on keeping on!!
Fraser
If you never fail, you’re not pushing yourself enough. You’re also learning nothing, which is a sure way to end up with much less than a mediocre life.
Absolutely don’t settle. Push for something better.
And understand that the more you try, the more you’ll fail. And the more you fail, the more you’ll succeed.
Go for it!
I too, like Josh said earlier, am impressed with the line “Don’t settle Chris, you can do better.” We don’t hear that often enough and it is a statement filled with the love, respect, and gentle kick-in-the-arse that we need to hear more often to help us realize when we are settling for mediocrity! I launched A Year of Time, 365 daily emails from me on Time, Loving Life, and staying in the Priority Zone. It’s the biggest, scariest, most exuberantly exciting project I’ve ever done. And it’s all due to people like YOU, Chris – the people reminding me to get out there and do it, live life, make things happen, and get back up when I stumble. Because that’s all a failure really has to be – a stumble. So get back up and do something different, something better, something more of you! That’s what I’m doing!
It ‘s a lot easier to do “better” when were not being so hard on ourselves (or beating ourselves up for what didn’t work).
Underneath the (useless) crapy thoughts of insecurity & self-judgment there is a gem, a freakin’ amazing diamond.
And when we let that diamond shine, it’s not about doing “more” or “better”. It’s simply allowing that gorgeous diamond, our amazing GENIUS, shine so freakin’ bright that we create a masterpiece.
As an old codger, here is one of my favorite sayings:
–When I was 20, I worried about what others thought…
–When I was 40, I no longer cared…
–When I was 60, I finally realized that nobody else gave a damn in the first place.
So, go live life on your terms. That’s what I’ve done. Mistakes? Yes. Regrets? No.
Keep up your good work!
I lived with such a high state of insecurity that I didn’t realize that there are no guarantees in life. Including life. I eliminated a bunch of limiting beliefs and conditionings and learned a technique that helps me dissolve my occurrings i.e. how I think reality is happening for me. I am learning to write with Immediate Fiction as my guide and I am open to tons of possibilities and ideas. Now, I am working on a story I want to write and looking forward to completing it and offering it for publication. Before this, I let all that insecurity keep from doing my best instead of realizing I can work with it instead of against it.
I get what you’re saying and I understand how it can be helpful to many people so no way I want to dismember the message.
I would just be beyond myself, however, if I didn’t debunk the stereotypes around the love yourself movement. It is a misconception of those who don’t actually participate in the movement that love yourself means accepting mediocrity. No actually, when done correctly it is a method of self-improvement through compassion and love instead of excessive criticism or self – defeating talk we so often participate in. Yes, the movement does require to love and accept yourself as is (which cannot imagine would be a bad thing because you will never be prefect and can only ever love what you get if you are in the practice of appreciating what you have) but that includes giving loving attention to your goals and passions. Accepting all of you including your dreams(?),it is impossible not to grow and improve at that point.
Again, this is in disagreement with nothing else mentioned in the article. A healthy strive for best self is imperative. Every once and a while checking yourself through another’s lens is part of being good human. agreed, agreed, agreed.
Insecurity is the voice of the ordinary mind. It is also known as ego-mind. The wiser voice in you is your higher mind, intuition, voice of your soul. It never is insecure and it always is waiting to guide you towards your fullest expression.
Go within, listen deeply, pay attention to the guidance there waiting an all will flow more effortlessly.
I agree with Connie. I am tired of trying to be “my best.” For one thing, some days I don’t feel like being my best. I need to learn how to just be me and add what I can to the world. If I’ve got a roof over my head and food in my belly, I’m okay. But that doesn’t mean settling for just what I have to do to get by. Who I really am includes NOT being lazy, uninspired, unmotivated, unambitious…and that’s true of pretty much everyone on some level. So we should stop worrying. The industrious, inspired parts of us will rise up and get something worthwhile done as soon as we start refusing to let the rest of the world determine whether we are good enough or not. Then we won’t be focusing on how we aren’t our best (because we are supposed to always be striving for that). Then we’ll be focusing on the energy in us that has something real to offer.
Ahh, I needed that today, Chris. It’s something I fundamentally tell myself and agree with, but it means a lot coming from one of my favorite authors. An excellent post justifying why I buy your books and read your blog.
Chris,
You asked “Where are the people saying, ‘”No, it’s not okay to be like that! Step it up!”‘.
They are in the military. Now most of us are happy with our day jobs (or maybe not) and not likely to sign up to get access to some of that ‘encouragement’. I suggest you go over to GORUCK.com, click on ‘Events’ and look at doing a Challenge or a Light if you are up to it. It will change your outlook, you will be amazed at what you accomplish and you will make new friends. Sound like grandiose claims? Go find out.
I love this. I find the glass half full idea can be superficial. If you don’t go into the failure, the pain, the insecurity, how can you hope to change, go forward, or learn anything. In the down times, my best friend is the one who will say to me, that sucks but try harder.
I love this. What a great perspective. I think the key is a healthy balance of insecurity and self-efficacy. Just enough insecurity is a challenge that makes you stronger if and when you recognize and overcome it.
Insecurity is a good thing. It keeps it real. It keeps you humble. Note it and then challenge yourself anyway. In my experience, as you continue to play a bigger game, there is always something that you are insecure about. As my weightlifting coach once said to me when I was talking about ‘sucking at lifting a particular weight’ – “The goal is to keep sucking at heavier weights”. So it’s okay to be insecure. Play a BIG GAME. And continue to be insecure…about bigger challenges.
Wow. For me and where I’m at in my journey, this is one of the most impactful posts you’ve written. 2013 was a hard year for me with a couple of failures. One, a project that I gave up willingly. It wasn’t where I wanted to go. The other (closer to my passion) I just pushed to the side not sure if I would or wanted to continue.
“Settling” is exactly the decision I’ve been facing.
Using your annual review philosophy, I had named 2013 “The year of Belief”. In retrospect I would ironically call it “The year of Losing Belief”. I’ve named 2014, “Finding My Way”. This helps.
I’ve made your statement my own…”Don’t settle, Andy. You can do better.” is now emblazoned at the top of the first page of my journal.
Thank you.
Kickass article. Just what I needed to hear. Thank you!
Thanks for the kick in the pants we sometimes need to hear but, sometimes folks are just too darned nice to say stop settling for that cr@*py job and the boss that yells at you for every little thing go find something else you can do better and deserve better.
This is great. I especially liked the “feel good cottage industry” line- it’s true, people want to feel content and safe, and it’s easy to lean into those feelings. The problem is, you spend too much time leaning into those happy feelings, and a month or a year later you’ll still be right where you started.
Happy to see you are back with fresh, genuine and engaging stories like this one. I couldn’t agree more and went through a similar experience last year failing a company required certification exam and then put it on the back burner until a wake up call from above my director got things in motion. Withing two weeks I had contacted two experts 5,000 miles away, taken 5 am online classes every day including weekend and passed the test with a better mark than anybody on my team. Call it Woozou Finger (Kung Fun Panda), Kill Bill Ninja or Bolt Sprint…I just knew that it could be done if you focused 100% on getting it done with help from The BestiBest like my son calls them.
Chris – insecurity is a word we rarely use. It’s given to us by people who think they have an advantage over us. Like saying that Napoleon was to small to conquer the World. We have no time for those who belittle others or us – on the contrary – it just fuels our fire of personal success. Second attempts are like Plan B – part of life! Just make sure you don’t go for the Bronze medal in 2014.
Work hard, play hard and have fun!
Thank you for this article, It puts forward such a fresh perspective 🙂
Honestly? Fuck that. Insecurity is a bitch. I would never in a million years go back to the stage where I had huge issues with it. It isn’t a springboard, it’s a hunt for the validation you’re unable to provide for yourself. Everything you do will inevitably stem from that spot inside of you where you’re not happy with who you are and feel the need to fix that by proving your worth. Embracing insecurity in this way is just another way of trying to escape who you really are and (usually) the pain and effort it takes to process that. You might have travelled around the world, and it might have made you feel fantastic about yourself, but what’s the point if you’re doing it as half a person?
Don’t settle for insecurity, Chris! You can do better.
Elizabeth Gilbert, in an interview, suggested looking at success and failure as a graph. With success showing at the top, the middle showing as normal and failure showing below the normal range. It’s a suggestion to stay grounded, or get back to the middle ground as soon as you can.
If we are doing what we love and what we love is operating at the normal (middle ground level) then overcoming failure, or the dizzying heights of success means trying to get back to normal as soon as possible.
I liked that analogy. Keep your eye on your passion and continue to do what you love. In spite of what other peoples opinions are, including your own opinion on apparent personal failures and success.
Loved this, thanks for putting your insecurities out there to share. And yes don’t accept failure keep moving and accept it as a challenge. try again. Very inspiring!
I loved this article! Really whenever bad things happen to us or whenever we feel like were not getting closer to our dreams or we don’t get things done, we feel defeated and unmotivated. And people who care for us think that, they need to give us the default uplifting phrases like, “It’s ok. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” But the truth is we want really involved comments like, “What happened? , Let’s think of a plan how to do it.” You know helpful stuff like that. Solutions. Motivating words that we’ll invigorate us and make us move on and go get ’em!!!! And its true, insecurity can be healthy if we use it to improve ourselves and yes, get off that comfy bed.
Just what I needed to hear today – thanks Chris! I think you can be self-respecting and accepting and still know there are times when you need to put in a better effort. The motivation to reach higher does actually come from within, but others you love and respect may confirm this by reflecting it back to you. I would just add that we honor ourselves when we admit that a failure or loss, of something important to us, is painful. Others close to us can honor us too by saying, “I know how much it meant to you” rather than saying, “You didn’t need it anyway”.
There are some failures or losses we can’t do anything about but there are others that we can see coming unless we put in a better effort than we have so far. Don’t settle for less, according to your own definition of what settling means in a given situation.
I’m not an insecure. Sometimes I have doubts…like most people. And I have approached the stage of failure many times (including today)…but because I tend to be super persevering (sometimes I just refuse to give up!) things end up working out (most of the time). Your post is more about not giving up and trying again to find a solution, to get a better result or whatever you really want, than about insecurity.
I also think that it doesn’t matter if you don’t do your best all the time…the important is to do something, to move things on…and to achieve something. It doesn’t matter if I’m not perfect and if I don’t try to improve things that I ‘’should’’ improve. I prefer to recognize my strengths and focus on them…AND collaborate with people who complement myself 😉
A bit like “Be yourself!” only to find out that you’re a product of your surroundings… that “yourself” was a fluid concept. Confusion – aka insecurity – is the birthplace of everything.
Great insight Chris. I owe you way too many cups of coffees…
P.S. I wonder if this article would have exploded if you finished it with “Three cheers for insecurity! Now get back to work, whatever it is. Bitch.” hahaha… good luck man. All the best! 🙂
That is so true!! Thanks for the words today. It’s a simple text but so much important for us.
Good work!
More than anything, it is great to see your writing again along with your unique and interesting perspective.
I had felt some sense of insecurity last year, I took a freelance sys-admin job but got stucked along the way, I did 90% of the job but couldn’t complete until the estimated time elapsed,days after that I began to doubt my own competence, it takes great work at times to deal with failure but in the long run I realized how is it I got the job over a lot others and moreover I know I don’t give into failure
So true, Chris, only I wish I’d learned this earlier on in life! As a high school drop out (1979) I felt terribly insecure and knew I had to work harder than everyone else to “prove myself”. After several years of reading development books, biographies and business treatsies and applied their lessons in order to “trick” people into thinking I was smart, something interesting happened… I would up defining success differently, and living it!
One high note was when the restaurant I owned employed 12 university graduates (with big student loans and degrees) as servers – and I was able to help them out by teaching them the tools that had helped me to help them round out their traditional education, which they were able to use to help get a better job than I could offer them, which they did, but – and here’s the key – we all still remain good friends. So I very much appreciate and covet my own insecurities, as at age 53, they still push me to climb over the walls put before me each day. P.S. – I love the Lady Gaga quote!
Chris: first, congratulations with so many responses: you have a long list of arduous followers!
Second: Because humans are humans, their individual metabolisms, chemistry and nerve systems are invariably subject to continuous ups and downs. One day you feel good, another day you feel less good, and sometimes you even feel lousy: it’s all in the game of being human.
And humans being what they are, some see a “profit” and there you have the “feel good industry” that Avi Asuleen refers to. All these “recommendations” sound nice, but in the end you have to solve your problem yourself with willpower and commitment, and there lies the issue. If you take a few supplements of St. John’s Worth and Ginko Biloba the chemistry in your mind will restore to normal and the negative feelings will ebb away. And then go on with your life chin up.
In Bob Goff’s book “Love Does” he talks about how he never gave up on getting into law school. He didn’t even know there was a LSAT, failed it miserably but never gave up and sat outside the dean’s office every single day for weeks, never giving up. Changed my perspective.
I have a little nuance to this.
I love constantly learning and growing. And getting called out by friends (including you!) when I am shrinking back from growth and accomplishment. But I separate out my soul (the eternal part of who I am who is ALWAYS ok, enough, beautiful, loved) from the work I do.
I can say “I love myself and accept myself unconditionally” AND “I always want to learn and grow and do better.”
For me, confusing work results with my soul is a recipe for unhappiness.
Long time reader, maybe first time commenter. 😉
I love this subject because last year I would have been with you 100%. But a lot happened last year and now I’m in a place where I do accept and love myself just as I am, I’m not looking for outside validation from anyone besides God and I do not care what anyone thinks of my path positive or negative. I have supportive friends and family who do love and accept me for exactly who I am and that’s part of it.
But in short answer, yes, you need to love yourself exactly as you are, exactly where you are with no hope of being anything more than what you are today to truly move forward and find satisfaction from whatever you do in life.
It’s great to have goals, aspirations, motivations and pursuits, but if it isn’t grounded in knowing that if none of it came to pass, you’d still be loved and accepted then it’s all worthless because when you do hit those goals, it will not fulfill whatever void is in your life now which the pursuit of the goal is trying to fill. At least that’s been my experience.
Love and accept yourself FIRST and ALWAYS, then the success of achievement will follow even if it looks different than first expected.
I have to disagree Chris. Accepting yourself does not mean that you’re settling for mediocrity and that it’s okay to do nothing. It just means accepting where you are RIGHT NOW, not judging the situation, not wishing for a different outcome, and instead immediately stir into action FROM a place of happiness (rather than stir into action FOR happiness). I actually wrote about it recently. From my experience, pursuing goals from a place of inner peace and happiness yields better results (It’s also more enjoyable). Happy 2014 🙂
Insecurity just like competition can be a healthy thing if you know how to interpret it. It simply means that you have flaws and aren’t perfect which deems you just as human as your boss, the janitor or Bill Gates. You decide if you want to let it affect your life and/or hinder your achievements or if you can use it to your benefit by allowing it to motivate you to be the best YOU can be.
Insecurity is frightening and confusing. When you are insecure you are uncertain about who you are what you are doing and why? No one wants to be in that position and the best way to move yourself forward and away from that state is to trust and believe in your uniqueness. Nobody else in the entire universe has the same thumb print as you!. That’s incredible!! When the doubts filter into your thoughts and try to discourage you from loving you remember that!
As Sonny said in the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, “Everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end.”
What I have learned, unfortunately on my own mistakes so far, is that you have to always aspire for the highest achievable goal, the highest possible quality etc. That way, even if you fail at some point, you are still very likely to get/achieve great results, simply because you have been following the steeper curve.
I love this way of viewing insecurities – not as something to settle over, but to be the motivation to change.
Hi Chris, in regards to wanting someone to say “Don’t settle, Chris. You can do better.”….
I want that too, but only from someone I respect and from someone who knows me well enough to understand why I am considering settling.
There’s a wonderful line in Fight Club where Jack goes:
… If people think you’re dying, they really listen, instead of just
waiting for their turn to speak.
I think I could only be motivated by someone who had taken the time to listen and understand me, and I’m afraid I don’t know anyone like that.
MY fault really, I’ve never been like that to someone else. So I can’t be bitter about it.
Having said that, my parents qualify, but ah well it’s complicated…
Thanks for the food for thought.
Very well written! The concept of pushing yourself to always do better is a source of never-ending power in my opinion. I have once seen a video of some Soviet athletes training and they had a banner over the track saying: Farther, Higher, Faster. That is how I think one should approach eventually everything in life. Or as Rocky Balboa said: It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
Peace,
Adam
Seriously? I’m insecure about everything! And when I say everything, I mean I would go as far as to say I’m unsure of whether I breathe correctly. Yes, I’m THAT insecure. But you’re right… I’m tired of accepting that. I’m fed up with categorizing myself as some kind of victim. I need to own up to a few facts, the first being that I accept mediocrity because it’s EASY. We only have one life to live… Don’t settle for less that everything you dream of…. Thanks for the mirror!
Loved this post, sent it to my nephew! Good writing and excellent points. There is a balance between peace, pleasing others, pleasing yourself and doing your best work. Its important to push yourself and accept yourself at the same time. Its like what a coach used to say, healthy competition is competing with yourself, always improving and working toward this. Healthy competition is not about winning the race – you won if you beat your last record!
Ooh, yes, this is so true Chris! I think of all the people I know, only my partner has ever told me to not settle & give up, that I can do better.
The rest of the time, the feeling has come from inside me – I KNOW I can do this, and I KNOW I want bigger and better things in life. And yet, I have resistance, as do we all.
My insecurity around being perceived as a professional dream life coach is what fuelled me to start working today, even though I didn’t feel like it. In the past, I would have taken the day off, but I’m a professional now, and they work through the pain. 🙂
Thanks for this one Chris!
What a great post. And the timing is perfect for me. I am just starting out on my own and have not been confronted with this level of insecurity in some time. Yhew! So good to read that I am not alone. It really helps. As Alicia said, “Thanks for the mirror!”
If your best doesn’t allow for failure, it’s not over. – Love that and love you for lifting me up!
Very nice and interesting article. I would say motivational too. Keep posting nice stuff! 🙂
Unfortunately many people see insecurity in and of itself as a virtue, they oft mistake it for humility and feel pious when indeed it is their passive aggressive natures that they are feeding ….
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