How to Do the Right Thing
From time to time, I write about the general subject of thinking for yourself—also known as why you don’t need to take anyone’s advice about much of anything.
Whenever I do, I always receive lots of concerned emails from people who make their living by telling other people what to do, explaining why “surely” I don’t mean to imply that their clients should stop giving them money to help them make their decisions.
“But we know better, even though we’ve never been in their shoes” is a common theme to these concerns, which is a lot like saying “This is just how it works.”
Perhaps they’re right. But as I consider these concerns, I tend to think about something that Tom said to me recently, when I asked him about good days and bad days in his business:
“All the bad days have two things in common: you know the right thing to do, but you let someone talk you out of it.”
Think about that for a while.
Sometimes the right thing doesn’t make sense to other people, which is why there’s no need to ask them about it. You know—you just KNOW—what it is. The next step is to do it, not take out a survey.
Lesson: never let anyone talk you out of (or into) anything. Chances are, you already know how to do the right thing.
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Image: Joost
81 Comments
A friend of mine I’d call for advice used to always tell me that I already knew what I had to do. Interesting to see his perspective reinforced here. Great, thought provoking article!
With all the competing voices and points of view, our own path can sometimes get crowded out. Thanks for the reminder. I am writing this quote on a sticky note and placing it next to my computer.
As I wrestle my own thoughts back from a deep sea of information overload I am with you all the way here Chris.
In the end we do know the right thing to do. What I have found is that listening to the “tellers” just gets me confused unless I need specific information. However, I sometimes lose my focus in my personal work and then I need not to be told, but to have someone ask the right questions.
The answers are in me. The questions reveal them.
Gah! It kills me when I let someone talk me out of what is right for me. I think I do it to keep the peace and make it easier in the moment. But later, it feels real bad.
Thanks for reminding us to check in with our own authority before taking advice or caving to ‘common wisdom’.
I kinda wish people talked me out of my first marriage…someone tried but I wasn’t listening. It would have saved huges amounts of grief, pain, legal problems etc.
Hmmmmm…..that’s a real goodie. Thanks Chris. I tend to avoid talking about some of my more out there (and by out there I don’t mean way out there) plans to others because there’s invariably a “but why one earth would you want to do that?” kind of response. I’m not worried they’ll talk me out of it, I just find it exhausting trying to explain to them that I don’t want the same things they do. 😉
I love this point, Chris. Of course, there’s the moral element of the right thing to do, which we should try for; but beyond that, what’s “right” for one person not always right for another; there’s no universal “right thing.”
Your last point, that “we already know how to do the right thing” is the rub in this dilemma. I believe lots of people know what their right thing is, but don’t know how to approach their lives so they can do it. It takes a lot of courage and creativity to follow our own “right.” Thanks for your help leading us to that, Chris!
I cringe when a client says they made a decision because someone else told them to. As a Conflict Engagement Specialist, my job is not to tell people HOW to deal with a specific conflict at work, but- instead- to help them evaluate and identify all of the options available to them and explore the possible consequences of those decisions (which is the most uncomfortable part for most people).
It is absolutely true that, most of the time, the decision they make is one they already considered. But taking time to discuss the worst-case, best-case and most-likely outcomes to occur from making that decision, with someone who is not invested in the situation, helped them take that final step and choose.
People who want others to tell them exactly what to do are likely looking for someone to blame if things go wrong or, perhaps, use the competing messages as an excuse to not take action.
Have you sent this to everyone in Congress?
I think there is a fine line between advice and instruction. People often seek advice, some want instruction, but whatever decision they are trying to make, it should always be what they feel is ‘right’. Nobody knows you as well as you afterall.
It took me a while to realize I can’t live by committee. When I made the decision to homeschool my daughters, my family was very much against it. But I KNEW it would be the best opportunity I could provide my kids.
I watch them flourish, and it’s a constant reminder of my power to act without approval or buy-in from all those who have an opinion.
Sometimes, though, you can know what to do but keep talking yourself out of it. That’s when the opinion of a carefully chosen person can be useful in putting you back on track by encouraging you to do what you know is right, rather than listening as much to your own self doubt….
I have discussions regarding the ethics of manufacturing and customer service on a weekly basis. You just turned my 30 minute argument into a 30 second discussion. Thank you for putting into words what I could not!
A whole generation of kids was ‘ruined’ by parents who spurned their inner voices and turned to Dr.Spock for advice! As a mother of 5, I’ve received tons of advice to which I’ve graciously nodded and then proceeded to use the common sense method. (My children have turned out to be kind, moral, upright and healthy!)
My art business came about as a result of me trying to do something that ceramicists in art school said couldn’t be done.
Sure we all need good advice from time to time, but we shouldn’t let it overspeak the little voice inside.
I loved this! Every time I ask others for advice, rare though it is, I always feel more confused than before. It is, however, good to have people in your life with whom you can just talk to – sometimes saying it out loud helps me process things or understand them better than before.
Chris I have been reading your blog for a while and this is my first time leaving a comment. Your point in this article is inspiring to me. I work for a big company and for the past few months I have been struggling with work – I don’t like what I do, but neither do I have a clue on how to get myself out of the undesirable situation. I asked around hoping someone can give me an answer but the more I asked, the more confused I get. A few days ago I met a partner at dinner and he advised me to figure out what I really want to do. I told him that that was what I’ve been struggling with and if he could suggest how I go about it. “You just need to sit down and think about it”, he said, “give it some thoughts and you may realize you already know the answer”. That has been echoing in my mind for the past few days and now that I was reading your article, things start to come together and make sense. Thank you!
Chris, this is a KEY lesson – probably the single most important one I learned through starting my own business 7 years ago now. I went into something I knew very little about, as many of us do – and learned as I went along.
But as I’d never done most of the things I was doing before, I listened to too many people and didn’t trust myself enough. This cost me thousands of dollars and a good 2-3 years of wasted time in the beginning. I’ve learned to trust that voice above all, and since I made that switch it’s made a world of difference.
I’d take it a step further: when we don’t do the right thing and things don’t turn out right (that was a nice turn of phrase), we are usually avoiding pain or discomfort, whether that takes the form of an apology, a difficult conversation with a boss, co-worker, or friend, or an acknowledgement that the current strategy, which you created and championed, clearly isn’t working. In other words, when we’re about to walk into a a HUMBLING situation, we often walk away from it. And those days become the bad days.
seems to me the job of those in helping professions is to teach people that everything they need, they already have. many have been so indoctrinated that they don’t feel free to think for themselves. that feels fundamentally wrong to them. that scares them. deeply. we make a living helping people think for themselves. we consider ourselves successful when people realize they no longer need us and never really did. not so profitable, but enough. and deeply rewarding. deeply.
Amen to Tom and you Chris. The world is full of “coaches” and consultants. And most of them have one thing in common – they’ve NEVER done it. Coaching is fun and easy because you don’t ever have to grind it out and at the end of the day, it’s not your skin on the line. That’s why people love coaching. For coaches, it’s not their brand, their reputation, their baby, their love. If things go south, they can and do distance themselves pretty fast. That has been my, very expensive, experience.
Now I only take advice from someone that has been there, done that or is doing it. Even then, their goal has to be aligned with mine.
Thanks so much for the post. You rock, as usual.
I, too, copied Tom’s quote for future reference.
I also heard you on the July, 2011 Success magazine. Wonderful to hear you speak and congratulations.
Normally, when i ask some one for advice I am looking for an easy way to shift responsibility for the outcome of the decision. Read some where a quote about “die on your feet not live on your knees”. Generally, I learn more from the mistakes I make than the mistakes that are made as a result of other peoples advice.
I agree with Dave. As a lawyer people come to me asking what should I do. I believe that i am an adviser. In my initial consults I tell the person I am here to provide you what options are available and what I can do for you. I then tell them they need to decide which is the best option for them. I cringe when I hear about advisors who believe that advise is defined as an order instead of an option.
I found in the past how silly it was to ask people’s advice who had no idea/experience with the field/subject of the question I was asking.
Now I try to use my own past experiences or my gut feeling. If I’m really unsure, I try to ask others who have had similar experiences with the specific subject so it helps me more.
Either way, in the end its your life, and it’s always best to steer your own ship.
Chris, I agree. Never underestimate your own experience, knowledge, or ideas. However, I have found that counsel can be useful, whether it is followed or not.
Counsel has multiple purposes, some of which are:
1. It can confirm your direction and give you more confidence.
2. It can challenge you to think more deeply and plan more carefully.
3. It provides others an opportunity to exercise their thoughts.
4. Sometimes a project or idea needs followers and supporters in order to get accomplished. Inviting counsel in these circumstances includes others in the process and increases the likelihood of success — yes, the corporate speak of “buy-in”. But unlike the cynic’s “buy-in”, this is an honest approach. It is open-mindedness and humility.
While highly valuing your core message of “do not allow others to talk you out of doing the right thing”, I would add that there is a “right way” to engage the counsel of others and that it’s the right thing to do.
I’ve found that I use my inner guidance in recent years, and have no need to ask others. Except… I ask my children when it comes to their brother who is disabled, because the burden is so heavy for me at times and I need them to share it.
There’s a wonderful Rilke quote; “try to love the questions themselves…don’t search for the answers which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything…”
And I take umbrage at statement about Dr. Spock and my generation. When Dr. Spock took the podium in Washington, DC at the anti-Vietnam rally he said; “Welcome all my children.” And the response? We, the thousands of us on the lawn in October 1970/71 [can’t remember exact date]- we all roared with laughter and approval.
Finally, I am ALWAYS willing to accept the consequences of my thoughts, decisions, actions. As should every other human being on this earth. Because it’s the decent thing to do. End of soapbox.
Great point. Well taken. I do find it interesting that you make a living advising people on how to live and what to do. Absolutely nothing against you, your body of work, your achievements, your contributions, and ideas are inspiring. It’s just ironic that if people actually took your advice, I guess you’d no longer have a market. Let’s just hope that in this case, people don’t follow your advise (which is what your advising) and therefore DO contintue to seek your counsel. (which is also NOT following your advice). 🙂
I love this post because in essence it’s about learning to listen to your gut over all the other voices swirling around you. This can be challenging because oftentimes the gut leads us in directions that don’t always seem logical looking from the outside in.
Still I see all those people who feel obligated to tell us what we should do as little gifts from the universe. They are giving us daily opportunities to strengthen our trust in ourselves over all else. So to that I say bring ’em on!
I like this blog for many reasons, the 2 main reasons being:
~Chris’ “common” sense yet inspiring approaches
~all the tremendously interesting readers/commenters
Despite different pasts and presents, there are many commonalities.
Thanks for provoking all of us to see into this topic! For me, the dialogue with others unearths anything unsettled within me and allows me to be heard. Sometimes it’s a great action to be asked to be listened to instead of for someone’s ideas. Doing this with authentic listening allows us to give air to our ideas and considerations without being trampled by other’s opinions. Loving working with Do You Quantum Think and some of the distinctions about Being in One Conversation and Allowing solutions to come to us without efforting and trying so hard!
My boyfriend is struggling with this right now. He is looking to get out of his 9-5. Of course I could tell him what I would do, or tell him when I think he is not making the right choice but in the end what would that really do for him. Allow I am there for him to talk it out and see both sides I think he has really grown as a person having to make the choice on his own. Deep down he knows the right thing to do and he will follow his heart. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this!
It seems to me that most of our lifetime decisions or questions come from the head/heart mismatch. When we can’t make our own decision and turn to others for advice it usually means the head is saying one thing and the heart is saying something else. And here’s the most important thing I’ve learned in my life, if head and heart are mismatched and a decision seems impossible, sometimes, just sometimes, it’s just not time to make that decision yet!
Advice is a dangerous gift. – J.R.R. Tolkien
When asked my advice I always remember my Tolkien!
Chris,
I really appreciate your honesty. You encourage me.
Thanks.
Never give advice. The wise don’t need it and the idiots won’t follow it. There is also a huge difference between asking someone ” Have you considered…” and ”If I were you…….” Most people simply wish to be listened to and not counseled and in this way they will find their own answers. And if they don’t because they rely on others’ suggestions or directions, regrets are bound to come up.
Someone gave all of us two ears and one mouth. There must be a reason for that.
We do indeed know best for ourselves; our gut will always tell us. I like ‘advice’ or ‘feedback’ form others, because the people I surround myself – their only vested interest is my well-being. Not to get something from me. Bizness or personal – – make sure that those surround you aren’t just out to get something.
I’m finding that the person who tries to talk me out of doing the right thing is often myself—a voice of doubt or second-guessing. I think part of what separates doers from dreamers is the decision to silence those voices and do what you know is right—even if it sounds a little crazy.
Very good point! Listening to your gut, your own “True North” is very important. We are conditioned to discount what we instinctively know and what we truly want, especially if it’s outside the familial or societal realm.
As for those in the helping professions, those who advise others about decisions – The best in their field know that their real job is to help the client to empower themselves so they can reach their OWN conclusions and decisions. They can be guides, cheerleaders, clarify-ers, but their true task is to EMPOWER, not decide for the client or tell them what to do.
The problem is dealing with clients who are looking for a Mommy or Daddy to tell them what to do. Of course, we’ve all probably been in situations where we’d love someone to be Big Daddy, but the good adviser or coach will gently open the window to free the client from fear so they can fly on their own.
Yeah for Lucinda!
AND letting others talk you out of something will keep you from potentially learning something valuable for yourself (assuming they think they are saving you from making a mistake)… I started to realize I was going by others advice 99% of the time and now I am realizing that was keeping me from being my full, unique self–made that way by really owning your own decisions and consequences!
I had to smile at the comment blaming Dr. Spock. The first piece of advice:
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
This IS Tom B’s advice.
This message resonates so strongly with me right now. I’m divesting all the advice I’ve accumulated to make space to discover what’s true from me. Thanks for sharing this simple wisdom.
How much better off would we all be if we listened to our inner dialogues, instead of outer ones? All advice is well-meaning, but those who give it don’t know you better than you do. Frankly, if you can’t trust yourself, then you’ve got bigger problems that need more than whatever any advice can offer you.
Most people are out of their comfort zone when they have to stand up for right. They don’t want to be embarrassed or feel like someone does not like them…. they do not understand SWSWSWN
Sometimes it’s not a question of HOW to do the right thing… as much as WHAT IS the right thing?
Knowing takes practise but anyone can do it. Stop. Wait. Listen. Feel. What’s in your gut? You already know. Go do it. Simple.
Or is it? [grin] 🙂
And this is precisely what I’m in the middle of right now. In fact, just blogged about it. A great big thing I know I must do is virtually foisting itself upon me, yet everyone around me is scratching their heads saying “wha?”
We’ll see how it goes, but definitely not letting anyone talk me out of this one.
Chris: you’ve talked me into it.
I like this post Chris. I definitely agree that going with your gut is the best way to go to do what’s right for you. Before I go with my gut, though, I generally like to hear a variety of opinions from trusted sources. Even if their advice says the opposite of what my gut is saying, it helps me to be confident in whatever conclusion I reach on what’s right for me.
I loved this: “I always receive lots of concerned emails from people who make their living by telling other people what to do”.
But guess who is spreading this post all over the social networks as gospel truth? Those same people. Self-awareness is a rare and valuable trait.
Yes, advice – I can take it or leave it. Advice is not an instruction, a command or an order, it’s what someone else does or would do in the same situation.
Sometimes I find it interesting to hear what someone else would do in my shoes and on the odd occasion I ask but I’m confident I can find my own way and I have a few ‘rules’ and guidelines I follow.
I know when it’s right because it feels right; I know when it’s wrong for the same reason; and if in doubt?……….I don’t.
Many years ago a girlfriend told me her therapist had told her, ‘Always follow your feeling.’ I reckon he was a wise man.
I AM one of those people…the ones who (traditionally) tell people what to do (I’m a therapist). I actually try NOT to do that, because I think, as you seem to, that generally people know the right thing to do and have the answers somewhere inside them. Sometimes they need help uncovering the answers, but I think they’re there. Therapy can help break through the fog and help people figure out what they really already know.
I’m one of those, ahem, experts. OK, maybe that’s too far, but I do make a living giving guidance. However, I feel that people do know in their hearts what’s right for them and a decision based on that, and not what I would do, is always the goal. My job as I see it is to simply lay out the options with the relative merits in scenarios they may not be familiar with. Once they have the ground work people are intelligent enough to make their own decisions. After all, they are the ones who will be living with them and that deserves some respect.
When we are able to quiet our minds and learn to recognize our OWN voice amidst all the other competing ones, we have a much better chance to hear the wisdom of our soul.
Thanks for the reminder to listen to ourselves more closely and with confidence.
I don’t think I entirely agree with this point. There are many instances where you need advice on matters that could potentially have long-lasting effects if the wrong decision is made. I believe in those circumstances you do need a group of trusted friends, or advisors that can give you logical, reasonable advice. But there are other instances where I don’t need, nor would I seek advice because its of a personal, goal-oriented nature. I wouldn’t ask for advice whether I should or should not climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I am sure my friends would think I am crazy and advice me not to do it. If it’s a personal goal, or dream, or something that I want to accomplish, I am certain many people would have tried to dissuade my efforts.
I like this one very much. It speaks to the heart of how misery is allowed into our lives.
Really great post! This one really resonates with me. I’ve been reading this blog for a while now, but this is my first time commenting. I’ve wasted far too much time second-guessing myself and following other peoples’ advice, and every time I’ve done that I’ve regretted it. It’s taken me a long time, but now I’m finally learning to believe in myself and do what I really want to do. And I’ve never been happier! Thank you for this affirmation.
I live a lot of my life by committee – a small, trusted, loving one (parents & brothers) but still, it’s by committee. Even though I know it’s not the best way to live my life I do it.
Why?
Because listening to my intuition – the “wisdom of my soul” as Amy C put it – can be scary. It often tells me to do things that are a little off the wall and/or that go against the advice of others. For me it’s also scary to be vulnerable and you have to be open and vulnerable to hear that quiet, unassuming voice that does no convincing or arguing.
This is a great challenge for all of us: listen to yourself. The question for all of is, how do we develop the silence and peace within to be able to hear ourselves?
This really strikes me. I love The Art of Non-Conformity. Thinking for oneself, if you never really have, could be terribly frightening, I would think. I think this is a wonderful message.
Those “concerned” responses? No, that strikes me as ignorant. You made a choice -to “hire” an expert / company / whatever.. that shows that you are not an “expert” or maybe you don’t have the want or desire to make certain choices (I don’t want to be in charge of when or how to fly our plane)… it doesn’t diminish someone for recognizing the fact that they need some help.
I absolutely believe (and in) what your friend said. “All the bad days have two things in common: you know the right thing to do, but you let someone talk you out of it.” ~Thank you for sharing that with us.
One of the tenets of a group I went to was, “You have all the information you need to make a decision.” It was very liberating to begin to live that way. Thanks for reminding me of it today.
At the same time, I often I end up like you, Jordan, questioning my own knowledge. I’ve also felt like a magnet for advice since I became unemployed a year ago–I want job leads, and yet . . . time to set off on the trail of nonconformity perhaps.
Having had a few of those experiences where I’ve asked for advice and later regretted it, it’s great to read this post.
On those occasions when I have asked for opinions or advice, and haven’t particularly liked the answer I’ve received, there’s then been the dilemma of how to go ahead and do what I really want to without seeming ungrateful.
While there are times when we all do need input from others because we may not be aware of all the options or ways forward, the decisions need to be our own. There’s far too much ‘conformity’ in doing those things that ‘make sense to other people’!
I think the true role of any therapist or coach is to help you access what you already know. This has been my experience with both therapy and coaching.
Overtime, with practice, we can develop a sense of self that answers all questions and serves as a guide when answers can’t be found.
With a strong sense of self you will be drawn to what is best for you.
Tom Bihn bags, for example. LOVE me my Smart Alec/Brain Cell
So are you not going to tell me what to do? (hehe) Sometimes I do make mistakes but I’d much rather be the one to blame for them than have listened to, or paid someone else to make the mistake for me!
I think my quote would read “All the bad days have two things in common: you know the right thing to do, but you let YOURSELF talk you out of it.”
I always know that if I am trying to make a decision and I ask someone else’s advice – I’m doing the wrong thing. I know what I need to do – I’m avoiding it by wasting time asking others about the situation.
Right. This was refreshing to hear.
I’m 5 months pregnant and moving across the country with less than 2 weeks notice. My life in NYC is a lot to give up, but we’re doing it on our own terms. Found a job with astounding flexibility and promise that lends itself to more travel and freedom. We didn’t ask for ‘permission’ or for advice. And in fact politely changed the subject when it was given unsolicited. We did what we felt was right.
It seems like a lot of people in the comments here have interpreted “thinking for yourself” as not asking or looking for advice and input from other people. Do what you think is right, but there’s no harm in getting other peoples advice and forming opinions and making decisions based on that.
I always want other peoples’ advice, I ask for it and I look for it. You can learn a lot about them (and yourself) that way too. But ultimately I still do what’s right for me. Asking someone for advice doesn’t bind you to it.
I totally agree with @KARLA HUFFMAN’s post on this one.
The advice I give on what to do (and I need to remind myself this from time to time ) is this.. If your best friend came to you with the exact same issue / concern/ problem that you have, what would you tell that person.. then you do excactly that. You found the solution.
Awesome post Chris! Reminds of of a quote from Larry Winget on stress…”Stress is knowing what the right thing is but choosing to do something else anyway.” Thanks for all the great work bro.
I also believe each of us knows what is right for us. The other voices (parents, friends, authority figures, spouses) often find their way in. It sometimes feels like our voice, but when we dig deeper, find it’s not. Usually it’s after we go down the path that wasn’t right. The good news about that is, it reminds us in a very real way to trust ourselves more.
This is also a constant question I have being a martial artist.
I from time to time face a situation where another person wants to do physical harm to me. Or is just frustrated and have had a little too much to drink.
Knowing I can defend myself and be able to take him down rather easily, I always start to think.. is this the right thing to do?
The answer is obvious to me.
I often find myself asking for people’s thoughts on something I’ve already decided upon doing or not doing.
It’s quite funny actually. It’s like my brain is looking for arguments that support my decision, because I will pretty much ignore anything that might go in conflict of my decision. However the decision I’ve made is usually not solidified. Thus I’m looking for arguments to back it up.
Still I can feel in my gut that I’ve made a decision but I just don’t acknowledge it… yet.
I could save myself a hell of a lot time if I just followed my gut.
Your blog reminds of what recently happened to me. I was at the pool and a couple unsupervised little kids were jumping off a wobbly plastic chair into the pool, and no one was saying anything. After a few seconds, I spoke up and told them that that was a bad idea. They stopped and I felt good, but then I thought, “Why had I hesitated?” And it was because no one else had said anything and I thought, “Who am I to say something when this was being accepted by everyone else?”
We know right and wrong, and we should have the courage to do what’s right every time, whether for others or our life decisions. Great TED talk by Philip Zimbardo about authority making people commit evil acts and what it takes to be a hero. Fascinating, check it out.
As many who have already shared, I’ve learned the hard way to follow my own council … though every once in awhile I forget, so thank for the reminder!
Absolutely eloquently stated. I find the more bad days I’m having, the more I have strayed from my true intent or my true passion. It takes courage to trust your instincts and follow your heart. It also takes practice but it’s well worth it. Thanks for this post.
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